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March 2005 Table of Contents
Special Feature
A Testimony of Grace
It was a day that I always knew would come, but one that I hoped I could somehow avoid. My secretary stepped into my office and closed the door. Her face was ashen and her voice quaked as she said "I just saw something on your computer screen that is filthy and just wrong. You have a problem. You need to get help."
I had a problem and I needed help. I was addicted to internet pornography, and I have since learned that this problem runs rampant in American society and even in the church. It makes me sick even now to recall that day over a year ago when my secretary confronted me, but thank God the story did not end there. I have confronted my problem, and gotten help, and have achieved some measure of victory over my addiction.
It has been an amazing process of self examination and discovery over this last year and more, so amazing that today I have come away to a quiet place by the sea to reflect on what I have learned. I'm writing this to help clarify these thoughts in my mind, to store them in my heart, and maybe eventually even share them with others so that might benefit from what I have experienced as well.
My prayer is that somehow the Lord will take this painful experience and use it for His glory and to strengthen His kingdom. I'm not qualified to offer anyone advice about how to confront this demon, although I will share some of the things I've learned. My aim simply is to share some of what I have experienced, and to be an encouragement to others who face the same problem and think they can never confront and overcome it. Success can be found over porn addiction, and although freedom isn't free, it is worth every ounce of energy and effort you put into it.
I knew that day that I had a problem with pornography. I had known it for years. I don't know how many times I tried to stop, but could not. I even knew who to call to say "I need help." But fear and pride always kept me from picking up the phone and doing it. Shame had built an impregnable stronghold around this addiction in my life.
I even knew that others had the same problem. I recall attending a Church Music Conference some years before when one of the speakers said "Some of you here today are watching things on television, or looking at things so bad that if you church at home knew about them, you wouldn't have a church when you got home." That was me. And yet I could never summon the courage and conviction to seek help. I struggled against the problem alone, and failed every time I tried to overcome it.
That morning somehow I knew that living with the secret was no longer possible. I knew that if my life and ministry was going to continue, I was going to have to step up and do what I had known I had to do all along.
I closed up my office and went home. It was a holiday and our house was full of our kids and neighbor kids as well. I called my wife back to our bedroom, and confessed to her what I had done. My wife had seen indications of this problem on my office computer some months before, and had confronted me about them, but my fear and pride would not allow me to tell the truth. I had bluffed my way out of the situation, but this time I could not.
It breaks my heart even now to think of the pain and anguish I was causing my wife of over 15 years at that time. I am amazed at the grace and love that she showed me that day, and shows me every day still. She has endured pain and anguish that no one deserves because of my problem, yet she still loves and supports me. We have worked hard in this last year to restore our marriage and I have tried to prove myself trustworthy to her. It has been hard, but I can say that one of the proudest moments of my life came when she said that she felt like the man she had married so many years ago was back.
I went back to the church and met with my Pastor. Although I had ministered at our church with some success in almost 5 years there and my pastor and I enjoyed a congenial relationship, my ministry and our friendship was faltering at that time. I have since learned that people with pornography additions almost always have problems in other areas of their life such as financial or professional. My ministry was certainly in trouble there at that time. In fact, earlier on the very day that my porn problem was discovered by my secretary, my pastor placed a job evaluation in my mailbox that probably would have been the "last straw" for me. His intentions were honorable and he wanted to help me and my ministry, but in my half crazed state of mind I doubt I could have ever accepted that wise counsel.
My pastor could have closed the book on me that day, but thankfully he did not. I serve with a great man of God who takes seriously his role and shepherd of his flock, and that's how he has treated me and my family. He shared with me later a scripture from I Peter 4:8 which says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." He was committed to love me in spite of my sins, and although he would not condone or conceal or allow those sins to continue, he would act to redeem me from those sins and liberate me from them once and for all.
I know that not many other church staff members work with a man like my pastor, and I count myself fortunate to this day God brought me to him at the right time to finally begin to fight against this problem. I offered my resignation to my pastor that day, but he did not accept it. We agreed that I needed to seek counseling and that my life and ministry could be restored. I will forever be grateful to him for extending me that grace and understanding, and for his help in my recovery since.
I knew that confession would be important in my early recovery. I felt compelled that day to begin calling the five men most close to me personally and in my ministry. I had acted as a hypocrite to each of these men, some of whom I had asked for recommendations in the past, and some that I had served with on church staffs. I contacted each and asked for their forgiveness. Without exception they were supportive and kind, and I learned there the first important lesson in overcoming porn addition, that you cannot succeed alone.
I had known for many years the value of having an accountability partner, and had even worked with individuals from time to time for personal and professional accountability. But early on in recovery I discovered that to overcome an addiction, you really need more than one accountability partner, you need an accountability team. One of the first things I read in recovery illustrated this principle with scripture from Nehemiah. When the prophet began leading the people or Israel in rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, he assigned each section of the wall to a different family. There is a teamwork principle there that is applicable to recovery from addiction as well.
Without knowing it, my process of confession led me to begin assembling an accountability team around my life. One friend naturally became my accountability partner for my personal spiritual life. One was a logical choice to help me with my life as a husband and father. Another was naturally gifted to monitor my work in ministry and the inevitable frustrations that come with church work. One monitored my computer use and internet activity using a web-based accountability program.
All of these men were willing and gracious about helping me. It is ironic that one of the fears that held me in bondage to pornography for so long was the fear of losing the respect of these men and others. I discovered that by working through this problem honestly and fearlessly, that respect among these peers was enhanced to a level that it never would have achieved otherwise. One of my lessons learned is that "fearless honesty breeds respect."
I realized also that I needed professional help. My pastor sought an appointment for me with a Christian counselor that he knew, and providentially this counselor had an opening for me two days later. I had only talked to a counselor once before, many years before in college, and was naturally apprehensive about disclosing to a stranger this problem that had been a secret for so many years. I compared it to having a root canal without anesthetic. It was enormously painful to pour out at first the specifics of what I had done, and later the brokenness and hurt that resided behind the addiction. But thankfully I was working with a good man who listened and helped and took my recovery seriously.
I met with this therapist weekly for several months, and then began meeting with a group of men also recovering from sexual addiction. The fear of being honest with one stranger when I first met with my therapist was multiplied by five when I first met with my group. I think we were all terrified. But over the weeks walls began to come down, and fellowship began to build. For me it took several months before I was able to be completely frank about the issues that I struggled with and why. I talked around several issues in recovery for weeks until I ran into a wall and realized that real recovery would require total honesty. I realized that I could not "short change" my recovery and determined to do whatever I needed to break through that wall.
That honesty was met with understanding and respect in my therapy group, and these men eventually became valued friends and support partners in the struggle against our addiction. After we completed our nine month course of study together we continue to meet and work together, and provide accountability and support to each other.
I know that recovery is going to be a continuing process for the rest of my life. I am grateful for the start that I have had since that fateful day over a year ago. It is amazing to me how God brought me to a point at the perfect time surrounded by the perfect circumstances for me to begin my recovery. His grace truly has been amazing to me through this all.
To anyone who struggles with the same problems I faced, or any problem that you think is insurmountable, I want to say that His grace will be sufficient for you as well. You can be honest with someone about your problem, you can get help, and you can find freedom. It may be difficult, but it is worth it.
I know that my situation has not been as difficult as it could have been. My wife has supported me and not rejected me. My pastor has encouraged me and not turned his back on me. I found the right therapist on the first try rather than having to search around by trial and error.
As recoveries go, I have had it relatively easy. And I know that some reading this may say "you have no right to tell me what I need to do. You have no idea what I would face. I don't have anyone who will understand. I'd lose everything." To that person I say I do understand. And I was willing to walk through that fire if I'd had to. I confessed to my wife, knowing that she might not understand. I told my pastor everything knowing that I might be cast aside. I was willing to do whatever I had to do, and even though I was spared some of those things, I can honestly say right now that it would have been worth it to suffer all of them to find freedom from my addiction.
Since beginning in recovery God has restored joy and life to my ministry. This year has been the most fulfilling and fruitful of my over 15 years in Christian service. I have discovered new joy and excitement in worship and ministry. Although no one in my church knows specifically what has happened in my life, many have realized that something has happened, and have encouraged and supported me in it. One person wrote me a note saying "I don't know who our new worship pastor is, but I sure like him."
God has rejuvenated joy and life in my marriage and home. I know I caused tremendous pain and anguish to my wife, but I also know that we are both grateful for this year and feel like we are headed on the right track. My children do not know what has happened in my life. They are too young right now, but I hope someday that I can share with them at the right time a testimony of years of victorious living. I know that they can sense right now that something is different in me. One of them commented to their mother that "Daddy is a lot happier now." I pray daily that my children will inherit blessings from their father's recovery.
My relationship with my pastor has been restored and enhanced to a level of friendship and partnership in ministry that it never would have achieved before I began recovery. My relationship with my accountability team is strong and a great blessing. I have made three new friends through my therapy group to whom I can go with honesty about what I'm feeling and fearing, and know they will understand and help.
All of these things ultimately are demonstrations of my Heavenly Father's love for me and His grace in my life. To Him I give all glory and honor and praise for what He has done through these who have so blessed my life.
And to those also struggling I say He will do the same for you. You can get help. You can face these demons and start down a path that will lead to freedom. It takes a first step, reaching out for help. You will never win alone. But you can win with help and a team. Reach out to someone who will understand and stand with you. Don't delay. Do it now.
To contact the author write to freedom2005b@hotmail.com
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