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September 2002 Table of Contents
Special Feature
From a Victim to a Victor
By Julia Loewen
From my earliest memories I loved church, and in my teens joined a youth group. At 15, I approached a church leader, a trusted father figure, for counseling regarding my mother's impending death. It's almost impossible to express the sense of abandonment I felt when this man sexually assaulted me and then used me repeatedly for sexual gratification.
Because the abuse happened in a church setting, I didn't realize his actions offended God. I felt expendable, made to be used. I tried to tell my mother but too weak to care, she pushed me away. I discovered years later that my father knew about the abuse and ignored it. The trauma of being used by a man who appeared "godly" affected my whole life, led to promiscuity and constant fear of pregnancy.
I ached for God almost constantly but He seemed a million miles away. On two occasions when I sought the help of a minister, I was told God could never accept me. One day I made a promise to myself: Some day I'll find out how to know God and when I do, I'll never leave Him.
At 32, I met and married my husband, John. His employment took us to a remote village in northern Quebec. His love and approval led me to risk thinking that God might love me too.
Without a church to attend, I joined the membership of a television ministry that sent tapes and a Bible. Alone a lot, I read the Bible night and day. In the Book of John, I realized for the first time that without a relationship with God, I was headed for Hell.
On one of the tapes, the speaker's words caught my attention: "It doesn't matter what your minister thinks of you. It matters what God thinks of you. If you are hungry for God, He will accept you."
My heart danced with hope at the thought of being accepted by God. However, fear of approaching Him overwhelmed me. However, I prayed to Him and felt an overwhelming sense of love filling my life. On February 17, 1978, I made a commitment to Him.
Two days later the intensity of the battle was turned up, as I felt the urge to forgive my father. And as childhood scenes flashed through my mind, hatred and rage took control of me and I trembled with a desire to kill him.
As these struggles unfolded, God's presence became very real to me, and caused me to understand that He also loved my father and that forgiving him was not an option. God reminded me that I have been forgiven and He expected me to forgive as well. In time, I came to see my father's life as a tragedy and feel true love and compassion for him.
In 1984, in trepidation, I contacted each of my siblings and asked their forgiveness. My brothers and sisters, who always treated me with kindness, accepted me without reservation, and now we have regular family get-togethers.
I re-enrolled in the voice lessons I loved as a child and marked 20 years with my Saviour by recording a tape of my favorite hymns, entitled Sing to the Lord, at the Gaither studios in Indiana. God put a song back in my life when He forgave me for my past and began reconstructing my broken life. Now I love to speak, sing and share with others the truth, love and peace that are free for them to receive in Jesus Christ. My song belongs to Him!
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