September 2002 Table of Contents

Ministry Insights
Insights For Effective Ministry
Live in Peace With One Another

By Don McMinn

The story is told of a married couple who, after years of marital struggle, finally decided to seek some counseling. In the first session the counselor asked, "What seems to be the major problem in your marriage?" The wife responded, "Religious differences." "Oh," mused the counselor, "can you give me an example?" "Sure," the wife responded, "my husband, thinks he's God and I don't."

Relational conflicts. They're everywhere. They're inevitable. Every marriage, family, organization, church, choir, and orchestra-everywhere there are people, there's going to be relational tension and trauma.

As ministers, we're in the relationship business. So we must be equipped to properly deal with relationships that have been strained.

In each edition of the J&J Communicator, we're studying a specific One Another of Scripture. Thirty-five times in the New Testament, we see a recurring word pattern - an action verb followed by the words "one another." [_______ one another] For instance, we are told to prefer, accept, greet, encourage, forgive, comfort, wait for, and honor…one another. Learn how to do these key verbs and you'll learn how to relate to others in a loving, Christ-like manner. Improve your relationship skills and you'll be a more effective minister of music.

In the last issue, we considered Greet One Another. Now, let's discuss:

Live in Peace With One Another
(1 Thessalonians 5:13)

Recently, on a Monday morning, I was faced with three issues that had occurred the day before.

• A church member was upset because he was not chosen to be on a particular committee.
• Several church members were upset over a song a youth sang in the worship service.
• When listing the members of a mission trip in the church bulletin, I inadvertently left off someone's name.

At first, I was impatient at having to deal with these issues. I thought:

• I don't have the time today to resolve these issues.
• If these people are upset, let them come to me.
• These people just need to grow up.
• There are more important things to do in God's kingdom than to put out emotional brush fires.

But then I was reminded to Live in Peace With One Another and that I was to "Make every effort to live in peace with all men" (Hebrews 12:14). The Lord told me:

• To do whatever I could do to bring peace in these situations
• To take the initiative to settle these disputes
• That the time and effort it took to settle these issues was time and effort well spent
• That dealing with these issues was, indeed, kingdom business.

So I spent about two hours during the first part of the week making calls, setting up meetings, and sending emails. By Wednesday, all the fences had been mended and I had obeyed 1 Thessalonians 5:13.

Indeed, in the ministry, part of our job description is to make sure that relational peace and harmony are maintained in our ministries.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Hurt and misunderstandings are inevitable.

   Proverbs 14:4 says, "Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest." The "McMinn paraphrase" of this proverb would read, "Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but where there are oxen there's going to be some poop that needs to be cleaned up."

   Simply stated, whenever you have a group of people (oxen) engaged in numerous activities, there's going to be some relational mishaps. Besides the fact that we're all sinners (which means we're going to inevitably sin against each other), just logistically speaking, whenever a lot of people are involved in numerous tasks, things are going to be overlooked, communication will break down - things are going to mess up. And when that happens, we need to restore the peace.

   In my church, Sundays and Wednesdays are the busiest days - the most activities involving the most people. So on Monday and Thursday mornings one of the first tasks on my to-do list is-get out the pooper-scooper and clean up.

   Hurts and misunderstandings are just a part of life so we must anticipate the need to make peace and then do it.

2. We should take the initiative to restore the peace.

   Jesus said, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift" (Matthew 5:23).

   Notice several things:

   1. Harmony in relationships should take precedence over religious/spiritual activities.
   2. If we know that a relationship has been harmed, we should take the initiative to reconcile.
   3. We should take the initiative even if it is another person who is upset at us, not just when we are upset.

      Many times, knowing that a relationship has been breached, I have thought to myself, "If he's upset at me, he should call me; he knows my telephone number." But we are told to be proactive.

3. We should "settle matters quickly" (Matthew 5:25).

   Whenever there is a misunderstanding, the matter usually gets worse the longer it is left unresolved. Controversies and misunderstandings seldom evaporate - they usually just go deep into the heart, lie dormant, fester, and begin to poison the soul.

   Issues need to be dealt with, and the quicker the better.

   Of course, we must be sensitive to the appropriate time and place to have "restoration meetings." For instance, if you're upset at your pastor, don't approach him 10 minutes before the worship service.

4. Distinguish between issues that you just need to "drop" and issues that should be addressed.

   If taken to an extreme, Live in Peace With One Another can actually have an unsettling effect. If I feel compelled to comment on every minor irritation that comes my way, I'll spend half my life stirring up the relational waters. Some issues just need to be forgiven, forgotten, and dropped.

   For instance, one day I had plans to go to lunch with two colleagues. They usually call me when its time to go eat, and 80 percent of the time we go to the local cafeteria for lunch. On this particular day, they went on down to the cafeteria without calling me. About 10 minutes later, I realized that they had left, drove down to the café and, indeed, they were halfway though the line.

   Technically, they should have called. I was slightly bothered. But, I realized that these two men love me, they are cordial and considerate men, and no offense was intended. I just needed to drop it. It would have been unnecessary and trite to make an issue of it.

   But note: this word of advice (some issues need to be dropped) applies only to our personal issues. If someone else is upset, we can't dismiss the issue as unimportant or too small. We should never dismiss as trivial, another person's feelings: "Yeah, I know Bob's upset about being surprised at the meeting, but that's not a big deal, he just needs to drop it."

5. It is our responsibility to "make every effort" to live at peace with people (Romans 14:19), but sometimes our effort will not bring about the desired result.

   One day, at church, I offended someone by inadvertently leaving his name off the church bulletin (he was part of an ensemble that sang in the service). If that had happened to me, I wouldn't have been offended, but it really bothered him. I approached him after the service and sincerely apologized, but I could tell my apology didn't bring peace. I called the next morning, reached his voice mail, and again apologized and asked his forgiveness. But he was still upset. At that point, I had done everything I could do; I had "made every effort." Of course, I'll continue to pray for him and the situation, I'll go out of my way to show kindness and care for him, and I'll be more careful in the future to make sure it doesn't happen again…but for the moment, I've made every effort. Emotionally, I should feel free to go on.

6. At times, we may be called upon to help arbitrate other people's quarrels and misunderstandings.

   "I plead with Euodias and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel" (Philippians 4:2-3). [Consider also, that the entire book of Philemon was Paul's attempt to mediate a dispute between Philemon and Onesimus.]

   The admonition to Live in Peace With One Another certainly applies to us whenever we have a dispute with someone or when someone has an issue with us, but in certain cases we also have an obligation to intervene in situations in which we are not personally involved.

   Initially, this might involve encouraging someone to take action - "John, I really think that you and Bob need to get together and talk out your differences."

   At times, we may need to get directly involved - "John, let me set up a meeting with you, Bob and me so that this issue can be settled."

   Helping others Live in Peace is certainly the responsibility of those in authority:

   • Parents should take the initiative to help their children correctly handle conflict in their relationships.
   • Church leaders should protect the unity of the body by encouraging and/or initiating conflict resolution among church members.
   • Employers have the right to get involved in relational conflicts that affect their business environment.



7. Peace and harmony among the body of Christ is very important to God.

   Live in Peace With One Another is a big deal with God. [See 1 Corinthians 7:15, Colossians 3:15, Ephesians 4:3 and other verses.] Perhaps the climatic statement of Jesus' high priestly prayer was the phrase, "that they may be one as we are one" (John 17:22). Christ wants his body to be united, to live in harmony, to be at peace, not to be torn by strife and division. That's why we must continually work at keeping the peace with others.

Don McMinn is the executive director of 6Acts Ministry and sponsors the annual Worship Leaders' Retreat (biannual retreats that focus on relationships in the ministry). You may reach him at djmcminn@msn.com or at www.6Acts.org.

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